Oh, but on a sidenote, Rue McClanahan aka Blanche Devereux was at my roommate’s office promoting some new show she’s on, and he got her autograph for me. They had a conversation about what a giant fan I am. Let the record show that although Sophia is my favorite Golden Girl, every single Golden Girls personality quiz I have ever taken has resulted in me being Blanche. Que sera, sera. Also, I actually de-framed a picture of me and my cousins to accommodate her autograph.
Anyhow, back to the prolific Sophia. Enjoy:
- “Let me tell you a story. Sicily. 1912. Picture this. Two young girls, best friends, who share three things: a pizza recipe, some dough and a dream. Everything is going great until one day a fast talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, they pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.”
- Blanche: Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!
Sophia: That’s right! But unlike yours, I didn’t need penicillin to get through it.
- Sophia: Oh Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?
Dorothy: Sure. What is it?
- Sophia: Don’t expect a miracle.
- Blanche: My whole life is an open book.
- Rose: Oh Sophia, I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm…
- Dorothy: [on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It’s nothing. Look at it this way: you don’t get cramps once a month. You don’t go on eating binges once a month. You don’t get crazy once a month.
- Sophia: [upon learning that she’s not invited to see Burt Reynolds with the others] Fine, break an old lady’s heart. If you need me I’ll be out back with the rest of the garbage!
- Police Officer: Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
- (not a Sophia quote, really, but awesome all the same) Burt Reynolds: [to Sophia] Which one’s the slut?
Dorothy, Rose, Blanche: I AM!!!
- Dorothy: We’re interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn’t that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.
- Dorothy: Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.
- Sophia: If you didn’t come here to apologize, why don’t you leave?
- Blanche: I am abhorred!
- Sophia: Eighty-one years I’ve eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn’t have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants?
- Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
- Sophia: [Singing to the tune of “Thanks for the Memories“] “Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!” Okay, what did you think? Now don’t hold back, I can take the criticism.
- Dorothy: Ma, ma, you promised you’d stay in your room ’til the meeting was over.
- Sophia: My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.
- Sophia: [to Blanche] You know what I can’t stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?
- Dorothy: Ma, another hot toddy? I think I’ve had enough!
- Buddy: Rose Nylund?
- Sophia: Who’s Laszlo?
- Sophia: You, Dorothy, are the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer!
- Sophia: [pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!
- Blanche: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
- Sophia: Look Rose, God doesn’t make mistakes, we were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you’re here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you’re here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you’re here because the rhythm method was very popular in the 20’s.
- Rose: [preparing her bio] I just found out I’m the most boring person alive.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
- Dorothy: Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
- Blanche: Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it’s like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin’ somethin’.
- Holly: She’s feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!
- Sophia: Ribs, great… why don’t you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?!
- Sophia: I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.
- Martha: I’m going to miss her so much.
- Dorothy: I’ll never be rich before I’m 21, I’ll never be homecoming queen.
- Sophia: You can still be homecoming queen, it’ll just be a different kind of home.
- Dorothy: Ma, these are your twilight years.
- Sophia: Oh, my God. Now she’s with the other boyfriend. It’s like living with Cher. [goes into the kitchen]
Blanche: Sophia, you’re here. And you have your suitcase. Does that mean you’re moving back?
Sophia: I don’t get it. I’m gone a few days and the dumb one’s in there acting like a slut, while the slut’s in here being stupid.
- Sophia: [about Stan] It means that ever since he made a fortune on that baked potato opener, he’s been coming onto you like Gang Busters and I don’t like it. Not that I’ve ever actually seen Gang Busters. But I did see Ghostbusters , I didn’t like that either. I mean, they couldn’t give the black guy one funny line? And how about that sequel!
- Dorothy: Ma, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
- Sophia: [posing as Blanche’s grandmother] Well, well, well. Looks like my little magnolia just turned into a big ho.
- Sophia: [seeing Blanche in her red funeral dress] What’s with Satan’s Secretary?
- Blanche: I don’t really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don’t like him dating men.
- Blanche: [on being reported dead] What are people gonna think?
- Sophia: I don’t like you being taken advantage of by some guy out of town. At least when Blanche does it it’s good for tourism.