Sophia Petrillo, an American Hero aka Go to hell, all of ya!

I assume you’ve all heard the news that we’ve lost my favorite Golden Girl, Sophia Petrillo aka Estelle Getty.  So I’ve taken the liberty of putting together some great quotes from the show.

Oh, but on a sidenote, Rue McClanahan aka Blanche Devereux was at my roommate’s office promoting some new show she’s on, and he got her autograph for me.  They had a conversation about what a giant fan I am.  Let the record show that although Sophia is my favorite Golden Girl, every single Golden Girls personality quiz I have ever taken has resulted in me being Blanche.  Que sera, sera.  Also, I actually de-framed a picture of me and my cousins to accommodate her autograph. 

Anyhow, back to the prolific Sophia.  Enjoy:

  • “Let me tell you a story. Sicily. 1912. Picture this. Two young girls, best friends, who share three things: a pizza recipe, some dough and a dream. Everything is going great until one day a fast talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, they pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.”

 

  • Blanche: Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!

        Sophia: That’s right! But unlike yours, I didn’t need penicillin to get through it.

  • Sophia: Oh Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?

          Dorothy: Sure. What is it?

  • Sophia: Don’t expect a miracle.

 

  • Blanche: My whole life is an open book.
Sophia: Your whole life is an open blouse!
Rose: Sophia, do you think it’s wrong for a girl to sleep with a man she’s only known a few       hours?
Sophia: It’s a sin.
Rose: See! Sophia agrees with me.
Sophia: All I said was it’s a sin. Personally I’d go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.
  • Rose: Oh Sophia, I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm…
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?
  • Dorothy: [on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It’s nothing. Look at it this way: you don’t get cramps once a month. You don’t go on eating binges once a month. You don’t get crazy once a month.
Sophia: You just grow a beard.
Dorothy: Don’t listen to her, Blanche.
Sophia: You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!
Blanche: Oh, my GOD!
Rose: I never grew a beard!
Sophia: You never grew brains, either!
  • Sophia: [upon learning that she’s not invited to see Burt Reynolds with the others] Fine, break an old lady’s heart. If you need me I’ll be out back with the rest of the garbage!

 

  • Police Officer: Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
Sophia: They’re not here.
Dorothy: MA!!!!
Sophia: Don’t “Ma” me, you cheap floozy!
Dorothy: Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!
Sophia: You’ll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don’t, who cares?! I’m on my way to see Burt Reynolds!
[Sophia walks out of the police station triumphantly clutching the tickets in her hand, while Rose, Blanche and Dorothy cry out to her from their cell]
  • (not a Sophia quote, really, but awesome all the same) Burt Reynolds: [to Sophia] Which one’s the slut?

          Dorothy, Rose, Blanche: I AM!!!

  • Dorothy: We’re interested in arranging a funeral.

        Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn’t that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.

Sophia: Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
  • Dorothy: Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.
Rose: Merry Christmas Dorothy, Merry Christmas Blanche.
Blanche: Merry Christmas Rose–
Sophia: What the hell is this, The Waltons?
  • Sophia: If you didn’t come here to apologize, why don’t you leave?
Angela: Why should I apologize?
Sophia: I’ll tell you why, because you’re nothing but a back-stabbing Judas in sensible shoes!
Angela: Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your are? You’re a two-lire tramp with cheap bridgework!
Sophia: May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off!
Angela: May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch… [looking at Sophia’s legs] you should be so lucky.
Sophia: May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale‘s!
Angela: May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!
Sophia: Oooooh [biting her own fist], that does it! Come back here and say that to my face!
  • Blanche: I am abhorred!
Sophia: We know what you are Blanche. I’m glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said “abhorred”.
Sophia: A whore, a slut, a tramp, it’s all the same.
  • Sophia: Eighty-one years I’ve eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn’t have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants?

 

  • Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn’t see, why didn’t you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I’ve got 5, you want ’em? A lifetime’s supply.
  • Sophia: [Singing to the tune of “Thanks for the Memories“] “Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!” Okay, what did you think? Now don’t hold back, I can take the criticism.
Blanche: Depressing.
Dorothy: Awful.
Rose: Stinky.
Sophia: [Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!
  • Dorothy: Ma, ma, you promised you’d stay in your room ’til the meeting was over.
Sophia: Who am I, ALF?
  • Sophia: My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.

 

  • Sophia: [to Blanche] You know what I can’t stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?

 

  • Dorothy: Ma, another hot toddy? I think I’ve had enough!
Sophia: Shut up and drink.
Dorothy: This is the fourth one! Ma, that’s an awful lot of whiskey!
Sophia: I only put whiskey in the first one.
Dorothy: Oh.
Sophia: The second and third were vodka.
Dorothy: No wonder my head is spinning!
Sophia: This one’s part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.
  • Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!
  • Sophia: Who’s Laszlo?
Rose: He’s a Hungarian sculptor we’ve all been posing nude for.
Sophia: [looking chagrined] In the future, a simple “None of your business, Sophia” will suffice!
  • Sophia: You, Dorothy, are the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer!

 

[While Angelo is looking away, Sophia slaps Stan across the face.]
Sophia: Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.
  • Blanche: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia: You’re only gonna sit in an inch of water?!
  • Sophia: Look Rose, God doesn’t make mistakes, we were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you’re here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you’re here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you’re here because the rhythm method was very popular in the 20’s.

 

  • Rose: [preparing her bio] I just found out I’m the most boring person alive.

        Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

  • Dorothy: Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
Sophia: Because we don’t have cable and I can’t crochet. This is who I am Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!
  • Blanche: Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it’s like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin’ somethin’.
Dorothy: Blanche, you don’t mean…
Blanche: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin’ sex.
Dorothy: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia: And onto a naval base!
  • Holly: She’s feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!
Sophia: She’s mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose’s sister. Don’t mess with me kid, I have the home field advantage.
  • Sophia: Ribs, great… why don’t you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?!

 

  • Sophia: I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.

 

  • Martha: I’m going to miss her so much.
Sophia: I know. But you said yourself, the last few weeks were so hard on her. At least now she’s resting peacefully.
Martha: I feel so bad.
Sophia: Hey, I’m the one who should feel bad. Lydia and I were wearing the same dress.
  • Dorothy: I’ll never be rich before I’m 21, I’ll never be homecoming queen.

 

  • Sophia: You can still be homecoming queen, it’ll just be a different kind of home.
Rose: Dorothy, you’re the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one and Sophia is the old one. And I’ve always been the nice one. Everybody likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn’t so crazy about you.
  • Dorothy: Ma, these are your twilight years.
Sophia: Are you kidding? I’m supposed to be dead! These are your twilight years

 

  • Sophia: Oh, my God. Now she’s with the other boyfriend. It’s like living with Cher. [goes into the kitchen]

        Dorothy: Ma.

       Blanche: Sophia, you’re here. And you have your suitcase. Does that mean you’re moving back?

       Sophia: I don’t get it. I’m gone a few days and the dumb one’s in there acting like a slut, while the slut’s in here being stupid.

  • Sophia: [about Stan] It means that ever since he made a fortune on that baked potato opener, he’s been coming onto you like Gang Busters and I don’t like it. Not that I’ve ever actually seen Gang Busters. But I did see Ghostbusters , I didn’t like that either. I mean, they couldn’t give the black guy one funny line? And how about that sequel!

 

  • Dorothy: Ma, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Sophia: I think I crossed that line when I had a date.
  • Sophia: [posing as Blanche’s grandmother] Well, well, well. Looks like my little magnolia just turned into a big ho.

 

  • Sophia: [seeing Blanche in her red funeral dress] What’s with Satan’s Secretary?
Blanche: Sophia, I believe Phil would have liked this dress.
Sophia: Liked it? He would’ve looked great in it. Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women’s clothes, unless he was queer.
Blanche: Sophia, people don’t say “Queer” anymore, they say “Gay.”
Sophia: They say “Gay” if a guy can sing the entire score of Gigi. But a six-foot-three, 200-pound married man with kids who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with “Queer.”
  • Blanche: I don’t really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don’t like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven’t grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah, they’re called lesbians.
  • Sophia: [to Clayton and Doug] So, Butch, Sundance? Who’s gonna throw the bouquet?

 

  • Blanche: [on being reported dead] What are people gonna think?
Sophia: They’ll think it’s time to elect a new town slut.
  • Sophia: I don’t like you being taken advantage of by some guy out of town. At least when Blanche does it it’s good for tourism.
Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s