There’s a lot of “buzz” these days about this new 90210 that’s set to debut at some point this fall. As many of you know how integral the original series was to my adolescent development, I’m sure it will surprise none of you that I have absolutely zero interest in paying even a shred of attention to this new televisual abortion. I don’t care that Jennie Garth returns as a guidance counselor,or that Brenda is the drama teacher. I don’t care if the two of them have a threesome with Mrs. Teasely on the counter at the Peach Pit. This series is merely the death rattle of the awesome 90’s and you can’t go home again.
This post isn’t intending to review the stupid new show, talk about how broke the cast members look, or even list the myriad reasons for its irrelevance and stupidity. I will leave that task for another, more earnest writer who has the stomach to watch that chick from Degrassi: The Next Generation try to convince us that she’s the daughter of Becky from Full House.
Brenda is most people’s favorite character, or Dylan for the cool girls, Kelly for the boring girls and Brandon for the perma-virgins.
But I think it becomes clear, the more we parse through the characters that one stands out, curly head and shoulders above the rest:
Dramatic, obnoxious, cankle-ridden and as self-important as a boatload of Bono’s, Brenda Walsh may well have been the most realistic teenager on the show, and watching her and her severe bangs once again defy her father was never anything short of a delight, however you could tell she was a massive pain in the ass and I found myself sympathizing with Jim Walsh more than once.
Dylan was of course, a smoldering ball of teen sex. Brooding, husky voiced, and with an alcohol and gambling problem in remission at the tender age of sixteen Dylan represented all that we wanted adolescence to be, and all that it failed to live up to. I’m pretty sure that had my high-school boyfriend had his own house on the beach, decorated in masculine neutral colors and with a driftwood-theme, his own Porsche and a shitload of money he probably wouldn’t have been spending his evenings hanging around at a fake 50s diner.
Kelly was yawn city. Fun Fact: Fidel Castro himself reportedly got cable specifically to watch 90210 because of a massive crush on Jennie Garth. Yikes.
Brandon, I am embarrassed to admit, was the Guy I Liked on the show. Straight ahead, clean cut, sober and non-threatening, he was every awkward girls dream.
What can I say about Andrea that hasn’t already been said about Liza Minelli’s gay husband?’
Donna: Giant Fake Tits
That’s it I guess….oh wait. There’s one more.
Steve Sanders. The unlikely hero of the show to me and the lovable blond-fro’d fuck up who charmed the pants off of every school administrator in Southern California. Was Steve smart? Not really. Was he hot? Hell no. But can you think of any of the rest of the cast who you would rather actually have as a friend? I think not.
To guys, Steve is the chill friend, happy to spend Saturday afternoon drinking beers and playing video games before going out. Steve is the guy who throws down for a round of drinks cause he’s so happy all his friends are in one place. He’s the guy who tells you that you girlfriend is awesome and then when she cheats on you, tells you what a bitch he secretly thought she was, and that you could do so much better.
To girls, Steve is that friend who never makes a pass at you but you always sense that he would have sex with you in a heartbeat. He actually respects you. He walks you to your car, lifts heavy shit for you and expresses anger and indignation when a college student dressed as a cowboy tries to rape you at the Halloween party. He shyly tells you his girl problems and you try to help, knowing that beneath that bravado lurks a white-blond heart just yearning for its mate.
When searching for an image of Steve to use as a icon for this post, it became clear to me that not everyone feels as tenderly towards Sanders as i do. every image tag i found contained negative connotations! “…bonehead Steve Sanders..” “…Steve Sanders the tool…” “cheeseball Steve Sanders…”
Why all the negativity? Donna Martin graduated, and Kelly got off the blow. Brandon became the Editor and David kicked his meth habit. Wonderful accomplishments, all, but lets take a look at some of wacky antics of my very favorite blond adoptee:
Awesome Things Steve Did:
1. Had a hot mom (relatively) who used to be a TV star
2. Played Santa Claus for a bunch of poor kids at the Alvarado Street School
3. Got really mad when Kelly almost got raped!
4. Had his freshman buddy break into the schools computer and change his grades, almost getting him expelled.
5. Won a million dollars at a basketball game and donated it to guess where? The Alvarado Street School for Poor Kids!!
6. Nailed Kelly
7. “Accidentally” hooked up with a tranny
8. Wore sleeveless shirts unironically, which is awesome ironically.
9. Joined the KEG house at CAL U
10. Stole the mascot from the rival college! Senior Prank!
11. Made out with Andrea while studying for the SAT’s!!!!!!!, (which shows his courage!)
12. Got suspended
13. Produced David Silver’s first album and managed his pathetic attempt at a rap career
14. Got everyone, most notably Donna, drunk at prom
15. Nailed Oscar Winner Hilary Swank (on the show)
16. Had a Corvette with a license plate that read “I8A4RE”
17. Had said Corvette stolen by two skanks whom he let drive it in hopes of sexual intercourse
16. Wore that striped shirt in the opening credits
17. Did i mention the Tranny!!
I was too lazy to link all these events to their descriptions on official 90210 sites, but if you don’t beleive me look it up yourself.
In the meantime, take a minute to honor the unsung hero of the show, who’s wacky behavior and allergy to hard work gave so many of us the comic relief so sorely needed after the drama in Beverly Hills.