Posted by: Coco Buchanan
Matt Little is a friend of my roommate’s. He’s a very funny comedy writer that has contributed to the David Letterman show & has just been approved to contribute to Weekend Update on SNL. I remember once I was at his house, when I was on the computer looking for music videos, we stumbled upon a pianist named Ira Goldfarb or some such Jew-y sounding old man name, and just from that, Matt pulled this, like, 5-minute long impromptu infomercial sketch out of his ass. I was pretty much peeing my pants. Matt has an upcoming show– Matt Little’s Big Show on Nov 12, 9 pm at Under St Marks Theater.
CB: Where you from & where do you stay at?
ML: FROM: Beaver County, PA. STAY AT: My apartment in 11211, which I believe is ACTUALLY Williamsburg in name only. Guys, don’t let the real estate brokers fool you! Williamsburg is, in reality, much smaller than people would lead you to believe.
CB: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?
ML: Allen; a pipefitter. He likes it when you call him a plumber. Try it! It’s fun to see how many swear words he can logically fit into his one-sentence reaction.
CB: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
ML: Jeremy Piven, but only if he played me at EVERY age – including my teens.
CB: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?
ML: Bullshit term. There’s no such thing as selling out. That’s a preteen’s thought. That’s like saying art is an absolutism, but it’s not. Is that a word, absolutism? I think so, and I didn’t get spellchecked on it. God, I was smarter in high school when I didn’t drink.
CB: Would you welcome the opportunity to “sell out”?
ML: Of course; it’s finding a balance between jobs that pay you good money that allow you to fund what you really want to do, and giving yourself the time to do what you want to do.
CB: What are the first 5 songs on your “recently played” playlist?
ML: I usually listen to whole albums, so it would be tracks 6-10 of Dear Science, the new TV On The Radio album. HOWEVER, let’s see what happens when I go random:
Zaaa Zaaa Asphalt – Guitar Wolf
Here’s Your Future – The Thermals
Pidgin English – Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Down River – MIA
Bump – Spank Rock
Hmmm…that was actually decent. What happens if I do it again…
Big Ole Words (Damn) – Cee Lo Green
Half Right – Elliott Smith
Lotion – Deftones
God Smack – Alice In Chains
Atwa – System of a Down
Hm. One more time…
Sad Songs (Say So Much) – Elton John
Dare To Be Stupid – Weird Al Yankovic
Carlotta Valdez – Harvey Danger
2112 Overture / The Temples of Syrinx – Rush
If – Janet Jackson
Okay, that one works. That was fun!
CB: Oysters or Peanuts at happy hour?
ML: The only time I’d ever gone to happy hour was when I was in college, at a bar called The Saloon (State College, PA), and I was too busy guzzling a concoction called a Monkey Boy for half price to eat.
CB: If I was over at your house, would it be cool if I crash there?
ML: Yeah, my couch is always open.
CB: What is your problem?
ML: Inability to be happy with the present. High standards/crippling self-criticism. Lack of motivation most days. Procrastination.
Oh, you said “problem.” Singular. Let’s go with the fashion choices of Williamsburg – skinny jeans, wearing see-through tights as pants, rope headbands, saddle shoes, purposely ugly shorts, lamé anything…stop dressing like my grandmother if she were made out of wet newspaper, or rejected superhero costume sketches. I can smell your “trying too hard” before I see you.
Wow, that sounded kinda bitter! Here’s a picture of bunny:
CB: Define the word “burrito.”
ML: Define the boner you just gave my stomach by talking about burritos.
CB: Preference: “tex mex” or “cali mex?”
ML: Considering I beat off to pictures of Taco Chulo’s kitchen, I’ll say Cali mex.
CB: You have to move to another city that you’ve never even visited and live there for at least one year. Where do you go?
ML: Tokyo. If I’m going to be a stranger, I may as well be completely strange to everything happening. Also, I hope to gain 2 things from that trip: 1) a giant dragon tattoo across my back; 2) part of my body replaced by neon tubing.
CB: Invent a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor that incorporates the name of a band. Go
ML: Toad the Wet Chocolate.
CB: What’d you do today?
ML: Wrote jokes for the shows I write for (bad sentence construction), avoided actual work, set up contacts to do some corporate gigs.
A request for you: come up with 5 better words to use in place of “gig.” It’s so lame; I sound like I’m headed to 1963 to perform.
[Editor’s note: job? That’s all I got. Looks like 1963 has eternally captured us all]
CB: If your country of origin suddenly adopted an Israeli/Italian policy towards defense, and you had to join the armed forces in some capacity, what would you choose to do?
ML: Probably die quickly, either through my own ineptitude, or in blind recklessness trying to do what a superhero would do in that situation.
CB: Brandon, Dylan or Steve?
ML: Brandon. He was a journalism major in college, same as me. Dylan tried WAY too hard; how could you not see through that bullshit? It’s like his sideburns hypnotized people in to thinking he wasn’t a wannabe. Steve was a doof. I swear that’s his middle name – DOOF. They made him bland later in the series because they realized he SUCKED.
For the people out there that don’t know what we’re talking about, Brandon, Dylan, and Steve were all the first cylons on Battlestar Galactica.