Monthly Archives: December 2008

Crazy Aunt Helen: Trouble on the Job!

simpson
A few Halloween’s ago Stella and Coco were invited to a costume party with the theme “dress as what you used to want to be when you grew up”.  Stella’s earliest ambition was to be a rich lady, an occupation that would combine her twin passions of getting dressed up and lying around all day doing nothing.  For the party she donned a black silk dress, a series of scarves, mountains of costume jewelery and high heels.  She turned and faced the mirror.  Staring back at her was  a once-wealthy bag lady who, having lost all of her assets and most of her sanity wears all her valuables at once in a desperate effort to impress the gilded, twinkling elegance of her former self on passersby.
Through this form speaks the voice of Crazy Aunt Helen, avatar of the dwindled prosperity of generations past.
Now in an attempt to bring this voice to the public, Whateverishly.com  launches our advice column. “ASK AUNT HELEN”.

Dear Aunt Helen,

My boss refuses to show me any respect. No matter how well I do, and how  much praise I get from other people in my office, she constantly undermines and disrespects me. Could she be threatened by me?  How can I deal with this without straining our relationship or making her more mad at me?

Troubled in Little Rock

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15 Bands/Albums I’m Obsessed With This Year, 2008

Posted By: Coco Buchanan

15. She & Him, Volume One

she-him-album-cover

This was definitely a pleasant surprise, for most people I’m sure, especially in comparison to the retardedness that was Scarlett Johansson’s vanity project album of Tom Waits covers (which was, to be fair, very well arranged and produced-she was the worst thing about it, which is pretty pathetic).  Unlike Johansson, Deschanel has a unique voice, style, and interpretation.  It’s been said before, but it really seems like Deschanel just stepped out of another time.  My favorite track, a cover of Smokey Robinson’s “You Really Got A Hold On Me,” was the one that most frequently made repeat appearances on my various “I’m sad about a boy” itunes playlists, as did “Take it Back.”  In slightly more optimistic (but still super emo) moods, I was more inclined towards “Black Hole.”  Aside from satisfying my 14-year old girly histrionic tendencies, I think this album has mass appeal to all ages, and if nothing else, establishes the fact that M. Ward can really do no wrong. 

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Clive Owen Shirtless in Rome

clive-owen-shirtless-in-romeHappy Holidays.  I’ll be thinking about this as I eat my chunky monkey, with my 2 cats and mug of tea that says something humorous about getting “organizized one of these days.”

 — xo Coco

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Interview with Sadie: Stella’s Little Sister, and Former Suri Cruise Resembler

Posted by: Stella Glass

SG: Where you from & where do you stay at?

Sadie: I’m from New Jersey and Pennsylvania and I stay in Cambridge, MA

SG: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?

Sadie: My dad is Steve and he does inflammatory disease research and puzzles, mostly.

SG: What sound or noise do you love?

Sadie: Right now, David Byrne’s voicesuri_cruise

SG: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, which would you like to see play the lead role as you?

Sadie: Suri Cruise, as she is now so your dream could be realized

{Ed. Note: Stella insists that Sadie looked identical to Suri Cruise as a child and though their parents concur, Sadie refutes it}

SG: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?

Sadie: yes

SG: Can you elaborate?

Sadie: I think I’ve sold out for now. .In that I’m working in a job I don’t necessarily love for the sake of making money and I occasionally have to do things that are contrary to my interests or values in order to make a buck, like wear a suit mostly.

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Crazy Aunt Helen: Holiday Giving

simpson
A few Halloween’s ago Stella and Coco were invited to a costume party with the theme “dress as what you used to want to be when you grew up”.  Stella’s earliest ambition was to be a rich lady, an occupation that would combine her twin passions of getting dressed up and lying around all day doing nothing.  For the party she donned a black silk dress, a series of scarves, mountains of costume jewelery and high heels.  She turned and faced the mirror.  Staring back at her was  a once-wealthy bag lady who, having lost all of her assets and most of her sanity wears all her valuables at once in a desperate effort to impress the gilded, twinkling elegance of her former self on passersby.
Through this form speaks the voice of Crazy Aunt Helen, avatar of the dwindled prosperity of generations past.
Now in an attempt to bring this voice to the public, Whateverishly.com  launches our advice column. “ASK AUNT HELEN”.
Dear Aunt Helen,

What should I get my new boyfriend’s parents for Christmas?

Undecided
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Undecided,
The holidays are such a special time of year and giving a present to someone you love as a symbol of appreciation or as an apology for a terrible, terrible public humiliation that you inflicted upon them is a beloved tradition.  Of course, there is no material possession that can say “I love you”, “You make my life wonderful”  or “I’m sorry I told the Episcopal Church Ladies’ Choir about the mulatto baby you gave birth to and then abandoned with the Hill People”, the way that a heartfelt hug or some genuine quality time can, but still, a gift is a lovely gesture and if chosen correctly, can ensure fond memories for years to come.

I once  bought  Ling Ling, my 90 year old nanny from Saigon, a tiny boat shaped-tin of real Darjeeling tea that had come over from India on the S.S. Amaryllis! She was so moved by the gift that she actually tried to dance but her poor, stumpy, bound  feet gave out and she collapsed, screaming, in a heap on the floor.

When I met Claude it was love at first sight.  He was a performer in the local theater troupe.   He danced like a gazelle, and looked like a young Rory Calhoun!   After his show one night I went backstage and told him how much I admired him.  He winked at me and immediately invited me back to his flat.  We stayed up all night drinking white wine spritzers, singing show tunes and talking about Clark Gable’s lips.   I just knew he was the one, but somehow, we never became intimate. Something kept holding him back.

The point is, never buy a man you love a new mattress, especially ifyou’re delivering it as a surprise. Because there you’ll be , standing at the top of stairs with a mattress strapped to your back, slack jawed as you watch your true love Claude engaging in some sort of nude wrestling match with his roommmate Trent on the bed he said they only shared because buying another mattress was too expensive.   Then you’ll shriek and run all the way home where you’ll refuse to come down to Christmas dinner, and subsist only on graham crackers and tonic water as you soak, sobbing hysterically, in the bathtub for four days until Ling Ling coaxes you out with a plate of chop suey and a glass of brandy.

Fondly,

Aunt Helen

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Coco SMASH!

she-hulk-coco1

Thanks to the Werewolf of Sex for making my She-Hulk dreams come true.

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Song I’m Obsessed With This Week: This Woman’s Work cover by Maxwell

OK, you people are going to think I’m insane.  But for some reason, this song has taken over my life for the past few days.  I know.  Who the hell listens to Maxwell or even listened to Maxwell outside of 1996 or whatever?  I heard it a few weeks ago while spending some quality time with a friend (ha ha), and remembered when I first heard this Maxwell song in, like, middle or high school, it piqued my curiosity about Kate Bush.  I had heard the original Kate Bush version of this song before, but perhaps because Maxwell made it somewhat more palateable to my ears at the time, it made me want to discover more Kate Bush’s music.  As a result, I really grew to like and appreciate her as an artist over the years, and in different ways as I get older (as cliche as that sounds).  I really think she is one of the most truly original and powerful solo artists around.

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