Coco At The Movies: The Happening

coco-chanelPosted By: Coco Buchanan

To be fair, I watched The Happening (directed by M. Night Shyamalan) fully intending to laugh at it.  I was amazed, though, at how inconceivably bad it was until I saw it all the way through.  When John Leguizamo is the best actor in your movie, there is a serious problem here.  Just in case anyone cares, this review contains spoilers.  But honestly, if you really care, then I’m glad I ruined your movie.

So quick plot description-somehow, plants and trees are releasing this neurotoxin that are making people go insane & kill themselves.  Marky Mark (in this review, I refuse to refer to him as Mark Wahlberg), a high school biology teacher (SERIOUSLY!) & Zooey Deschanel are in a semi-troubled marriage, but are brought together because of this crisis and eventual adoption of the child left behind in the death of John Leguizamo’s character (Marky Mark’s fellow teacher) & his wife. 

The only reason I can conceive for the blatantly ridiculous miscasting is that allegedly (according to my roommate), marky-markRyan Gosling had initially played this high school biology teacher character, but dropped out.  All I have to say is e really dodged a fucking bullet here.  I’m pretty sure Andy Samberg had to have seen this movie before doing his infamous Mark Wahlberg talks to animals sketch on SNL.  Because basically, Marky Mark wanders around this film like a confused moron the entire time-and though I don’t even think I have to tell you why it’s hard to buy him as a high school biology teacher, it was especially irksome that the crap lines they gave him sounded like an argument for creationism.  . 

It’s almost as if Shyamalan told Marky Mark to kick his idiocy up a notch, told Zooey Deschanel to quirk it up like she’s never quirked before, added a bunch of strange pauses, unnecessary morality and religiousness and called it a day.  It almost feels like he was playing a joke on us.  Though, I pretty much gave up on Shyamalan after Signs, so who am I kidding that he’d actually make something good after that? 

The highlight was when me, my roommate & my roommate’s brother were making bets on how each character would kill themselves.  My roommate wanted John Leguizamo to eat the glasses he was for some reason forced to wear for this movie.  I won’t say  whether or not this happens, but I will say that there is a great dialogue between Marky Mark and a plant.  He may or may not ask it to say hello to his mother for him, alright?


1 Comment

Filed under Movie Reviews

One response to “Coco At The Movies: The Happening

  1. Alexi Lawless

    Oh, Coco. Your review is spot on, and your conclusion is fantastic.

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