Posted by: Stella Glass
Well it’s real this time, people–we’re in a recession. The New York Times officially declared an economic recession on December 2nd, causing the Dow to plunge 680 points. But for the Phyllis of the world, always ahead of the curve, the economic crisis became a reality almost a month earlier on November 4th, when Marc Jacobs announced that his wildly anticipated annual masquerade-ball holiday party would be cancelled this year.
While some would argue that depriving society of photographs of Marc Jacobs dressed as a camel toeis cruelty enough, the recession has only begun to take it’s toll. The unemployment rate is creeping up to 7% , Washington claims that President Elect Obama’s inauguration will be a fairly subdued affair, and many on-line retailers are offering large markdowns and free shipping in anticipation of flagging holiday sales.
So clearly it’s not just Jane Winebox and Joe AirplaneSizedLiquorBottle who are suffering. This thing goes all the way to the top. But how will our celebrities cope?
Sure, things are “technically” rougher for low-income citizens…technically. But really— we all know it’s much easier to be poor if you’ve never been rich before, right? It’s the old saying about not being able to go back to coach after you’ve flown first class, writ large for our suffering celebrity class.
This week, in an effort to reach out to the celebrity community that has brought us so much joy, Whateverishly.com offers suggestions to the rich and famous on how to supplement their income this holiday season.
Known almost as much for his affinity for partying and nude bongo playing, as he is for his “acting” “skills”, Whateverishly encourages Matthew McCounaghey to create and sell pot-smoking devices made out of significant props from his various hilarious and heartwarming movies! Pack a bowl in a one-hitter fashioned from a piece of the bicycle he rode in You, Me and Dupree! Burn one down -McCounaghey style! with a roach clip made from the wire-rimmed glasses he wore in The Wedding Planner, which he used to try to convince us that he was a licensed physician. Fire in the hole!
“Haven’t Brangelina done enough?” you say. Um, sure. But with a little help from Climate Wizard Al Gore, science may yet be able to harness the power of pure smugness and narcissism from the most self-satisfied celebrity couple in recent collective memory. What energy crisis?!
Not to be outdone in the smug self-satisfaction department, Gwyneth Paltrow recently launched her website “GOOP” which, in ironic contrast to it’s decidedly unglamorous name is basically about how to survive being a rich thin blonde WASP and still live a happy and fulfilling life.
But that sweet, sweet Shallow Hal money isn’t gonna last forever, and from the looks of it, her husband’s legal unpleasantness could make quite a dent in Apple and Moses’s trust funds .
Children’s Cashmere Q-Tips don’t buy themselves, you know. What’s a talentless, college degree-less trust fund baby to do?
Why, a Christmas duets album with Young Jeezy, that’s what! Hip Hop andHoliday compilations are two of the industries biggest sellers. With that in mind, a harmonized version of “Little Drummer Boy” sung by the uptight white lady from Bounceand an ex-drug dealer known as The Snowman would fly off the shelves like so many angels to the manger. And the benefits are two-fold for Gwynnie! What better way to line your pockets with “Benjamins” while simultaneously shedding your icy image and proving you’re “down” with the very people that you usually cross the street to avoid? Two birds, one stone! Merry Christmas.
Frankly, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, you’ve always kind of made me sick. And not just your wacko right-wing rhetoric but your appearance as well. Why is your hair lighter than your skin? Why do you refuse to eat food? Why do your overwhitened teeth shine like the high beams on a Evangelists pickup truck?
My personal prejudices aside , your little dustupwith Deepak Chopra the other day ruffled quite a few feathers even amongst your conservative base. Now I don’t know if Focus on the Family magazine has a financial section, but I am here to tell you that now is no time to be out of a job. You need to get the public back on your side, missy, and quick. Normally I’d say issue some apologies, get photographed hugging a minority baby, have a benefit concert andcall it a day, but I think for you something bigger is necessary. Something grand, something major, something……Biblical.
Back in the day the Beatles were roundly punished for saying they were “bigger than Jesus”. Well… they werent hawking Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s”At-Home Crucifixion Kit!” Show those selfish hippie navel gazers who the REAL victims are this holiday season! Perfect for unappreciated mothers, pro-lifers and virtually all octegenarian Caucasian women!
The next time someone complains about your behavior just shriek ” Is THIS what you want?!!?”, climb up the patented pull out ladder, slap on a crown of thorns, insert nails using the included Stigmatastick and voila! Instant Martyr.
Speidi, I was going to do you guys too, but frankly the amount of media attention you’ve already accrued is appalling. I hope the recession takes a wrenching toll on you both and that Heidi is forced to sell her saline breast implants separately on ebay to post Spencer’s bail after the inevitable PCP-fueled Waffle House robbery.