Coco In Killington: The Deadliest Place on Earth

Posted by: Coco Buchanan

I went on a group ski trip this weekend to Killington, Vermont.  I stayed with my roommate & a bunch of his friends from work in some condos at the foot of the mountain.  This THE definitive tale of why Killington is SO DAMN DEADLYYY.

For starters, Killington is located right next to Voorhiesville.  FREAKY!  Anywho….

I had never previously set foot (or feet?) on skis, so I definitely wanted to kill myself for attempting to somehow just “pick it up” on that mountain.  I had been snowboarding before, but it’s a lot different, not to mention that I’m not all that good at that either, plus I think my body is allergic to sports.  My roommate, Producer Alex (of misoserious.com) and I went up a mountain called Ramshead & took a trail called “Easy Street.”  Well, kids, I can tell you that there was nothing “easy” about this heartless succubus of a trail.  Either that, or you know, I totally suck at skiing.  The trail should’ve taken about 10 minutes for a normal person to ski, but it took us about 45 minutes.  After the first fall (falls caused by me because I was too freaked out about the speed I was picking up), I declared I had been beaten and I wanted to quit.  I tried to follow his directions, but I was psyching myself out way too much.  After the second or third fall, I suggested that perhaps I could just walk down the rest of the way, go back to the condo & continue reading East of Eden.  Apparently, this was not an option…plus the fact that I didn’t know how to even take off my skis at the time.

After the fourth or fifth fall, I tried to convince PA that maybe we could pretend I was injured so they could drive me back down.  I’ve never seen PA so incredibly pissed off in my life.  I really thought it was going to turn into a The Shining situation.  ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE PRODUCER ALEX A DULL BOY!  At that point, I think I kind of resigned to the fact that, yes, I think I’m going to die on this mountain, and that’s the end of it.  However, it was pretty damn cold up there, and he already has a bad circulation problem, so if I was going to be held responsible for PA becoming human stump, there was really only one option-TO GET DOWN THAT FUCKING MOUNTAIN ON THOSE FUCKING SKIS ASAP! 

I started to somewhat get the hang of it towards the end, and tried desperately not to constantly picture myself running into a tree & dying, or tumbling down the mountain, forming one of those giant cartoon-y snowballs, causing an avalanche, and ending up a paraplegic for the rest of my life.  I love that all my mom & dad’s advice on being cautious while skiing just ended up haunting me the entire time.  So after all the tears, sweating my ballsteins off, and elaborate getting-off-the-mountain schemes that didn’t involve actually skiing, I finally got to the end. 

PA then MADE me sign up for lessons…I totally was going to ditch them, but PA was on to me.  After living with me for about a year & a half, he’s pretty familiar with the lengths I will go to avoid embarrassment and inconvenience.  So, I took the lessons…and guess what?  It was totally worth it & I actually started to have fun.  There were 2 other people in the class- 28 year old lawyers from Manhattan.  One of them was so horrible at skiing, it was unreal.  I really couldn’t believe I was actually better at skiing than someone, much less two 28-year old male lawyers.  It was almost as if it was a set-up to make me feel better about myself.  Regardless, I came away that day feeling pretty satisfied that I didn’t give up, even though all of Ramshead Mountain who witnessed that catastrophe probably thinks I’m the biggest loser ever. 

This experience also humbled me in terms of my snobbery towards others.  Somehow, whenever PA & I leave Brooklyn, our snob factor turns up by about 8 billion.  When we arrived at the condo, I definitely felt like it was such a The Real World situation.  Like, “this is the story of 7 strangers who GET REAL by being set up to make out with each other in a hot tub & have incredibly dull conversations!”  I had a sort of eye-rolling reaction to everyone who was so excited to snowboard or ski.  Like, really?  You enjoy this that much?  Hmmm, so sad for you.  Ha ha.  So, after my fiasco, I was just kind of like, ohhh, haaa, I guess this is kinda hard and fun, and umm, I’m an idiot.  The party that night at the condo downstairs was a bit too “college-y” for my taste (Kings cup, Jack Johnson as an actual thing non-ironically playing on the ipod, bros with “funny” T shirt sayings as far as the eye could see), but I still managed to be sociable and have fun.  Sorry about the marshmallow throwing, PA!

HOWEVER., there was a situation in the hot tub that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I don’t have any regrets about being a snob about.  So, after we got back to the condo, PA and I thought it would be nice to sit in the hot tub in the condo complex for a few hours.  We were greeted by a bunch of steroid-ridden bros and 2 college age girls who were clearly drunk, and probably made even lamer by that fact.  One of the girls mentioned that this was the first time they had been skiing there, eve though they had been dozens of times before just to go to this pathetic “club” called The Pickle Barrel.  $20 cover to hang out with losers (if the hot tub was any indication of the clientele) at the only bar in town, apparently.  The other girl inexplicably tried to order PA around to do stuff for her, which was irretrievably inexcusable, in my eyes.  I was pretty stunned, and speechless.

The girls then proceeded to “subtly” seduce a married man by talking about how they shower together.  Did I mention they were singing Puff Daddy songs from 10 years ago throughout the entire time we were there?  Eeesh.  It was a combination of embarrassment and repulsion.  I couldn’t even bring my body to immerse all the way in the Jacuzzi. 

The worst part was how all these dudes bought into it & ate that shit up like it was catnip.  So embarrassingly predictable, it was almost like I was in that awful looking generic college movie, appropriately titled College.  I’m sure my face betrayed my feelings the entire time, whether I wanted it to or not.  Though, towards the end I didn’t even care anymore, as when one of the bros tried to kind of smile at me, I gave him the most disgusted look, and proceeded to do the same to everyone in that damn hot tub, including those horrible girls.  I then declared we had to leave before I strangled someone.

Despite the unpleasantness and the fact that PA got way too wasted at the party the night before to ski in the negative 17 degree weather the next day (thank god!), I did have fun.  But ye be warned, KILLINGTON IS DEADLYY!