Posted By: Coco Buchanan
The Masked Drinker is an elementary school teacher by profession, and drinker by way of love. He writes for Here Comes a Regular whereupon he dispenses much knowledge. Some say that beneath his mask exists the handsomest face ever seen, and this is why he hides it. Others say it is just because he is weird.
CB: Where you from & where do you stay at?
MD: I’m originally from Eastern Kentucky, right on the border with West Virginia and Ohio. Three shitty states for the price of one. I live in Bushwick now and I really don’t like going back. For the past 12 years I go back once or maybe twice a year. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like for God and Superman to take turns shitting on a picture of your happiest memory, that’s what it’s like to be where I’m from. On the other hand, if you bring a first-time visitor it’s kind of fun for a couple days. Then the Divine Kryptonian Memory Shitting kicks in.
CB: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?
MD: His name is Mickey and he’s an assistant superintendent in the public school system back there. My folks both worked in the school system. My mom was a music teacher and he was a principal as I grew up. He was my principal one year. It wasn’t as weird as you might think. I didn’t get up to much orneriness back in the day though.
CB: What is your problem?
MD: Diarrhea. I get it at least twice a week usually. Hooray for IBS. [ed note: eww]
CB: What sound or noise do you love?
MD: The sound of farts. I am in basic ways an eight year old. When I hear a fart, I cannot help but laugh. I just can’t stop. Farts are funny. They sound funny and they make a funny smell and it is an awkward time in a social moment. I can’t even help it when my 10 year old students blast one. I crack up every time.
CB: Oysters or Peanuts at happy hour?
MD: Peanuts. I like maybe one oyster every other month. Too many of them just taste like the ocean.
CB: If I was over at your house, would it be cool if I crash there?
MD: Sure! My place is actually a little big for just one fella and it becomes lonely times every now and then. I’d probably regress and end up showing you everything I own that I think is neat and try to give you comics to read.
CB: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?
MD: Teaching elementary school in the ghetto isn’t really commercially lucrative.
CB: Would you welcome the opportunity to “sell out”?
MD: Fuck yeah. Dude I will happily help advertise “The Masked Drinker sucks and should be kicked in the peetong” if it paid well.
CB: What are the first 5 songs on your “recently played” playlist?
MD: “Gone” by Built to Spill
“Lords” by The Sword
“Tales” by Wolfmother
“Velouria” by the Pixies
And, ruining the one-word-song-title trend, “Green Onions” by Booker T and the MG’s.
CB: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
MD: Audrey Hepburn, because that would mean somehow we figured out how to resurrect hot people from the past. Barring that technological and spiritual advancement, Joseph Gordon Levitt so maybe girls would think I was really cute under my mask.
CB: Define the word “burrito.”
MD: The Burrito was a cymbal used by the drummer of a band I was in in high school. It had survived a house five, being run over by a car, and constantly being jumped on by me. A friend said it looked more like a burrito than a cymbal and the name stuck. When struck, it produced a terse, angry sound reminiscent of a beloved puppy coughing his last breath.
CB: Name a food that you used to hate but you love now.
MD: Pork chops. My mom made the worst pork chops in the world. All thin and hard, all covered in premade mix, all tasteless and dry. Years later I still resisted eating them but once they were cooked right for me I fell in love. To this day I still carry a torch for pork.
CB: What is the finest quality a person can possess?
MD: As a person in general, forgiveness. As someone I want to hang out with, a sense of humor. A good one, that is. There be large piles of people that think they’re funnier than they are. It makes me angry.
CB: When have you felt most alone?
MD: The night my ex left me. Whoa that got serious. She came back, we tried it out, and I broke up with her later, but that first night was an abyss I’d like to not revisit. Thanks, Coco. Thanks a lot. Oh God so lonely what’s the point . . . [ed note: ummm, sorryyyyy]
CB: When have you felt most loved?
MD: When my class revealed a crystal trophy/plaque thing they’d had made for me. They organized it all behind my back. I love my current class, but 202 will always be in my heart.
CB: What’d you do today?
MD: Made a kid cry. Made him laugh later. Taught about writing mysteries and reading series books. Obsessively checked my bed for bed bug infestations. Noticed all too late how dirty my pants were [ed note: hopefully not from IBS]. Got excited to be interviewed.
CB: What’s a guilty pleasure for you?
MB: Fritos. They are so terrible yet so delicious. I cannot stop eating them when they’re around me. This helps explain my “what’s my problem” question. [ed note: EWW again. Also, you know about the Frito bowl/pie thing at the Levee, right?]
CB: What actor or actress’s fame is totally undeserved?
MD: Erik Everhard. His ding dong isn’t THAT big.
CB: You have to move to another city that you’ve never even visited and live there for at least one year. Where do you go?
This one really stumped me. I’m very stupid about travel and have only left the country once. I want to basically go somewhere of mad food deliciouses. I’m going to go with San Juan where I can eat pernil every day. And then die two weeks later.
CB: Invent a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor that incorporates the name of a band. Go.
MD: The Jon Spencer Blueberry Explosion
CB: If your country of origin suddenly adopted an Israeli/Italian policy towards defense, and you had to join the armed forces in some capacity, what would you choose to do?
MD: My heart says “ninja commando with heavily-scarred, mysterious face who wears all back and is awesome. My life says “a craven dickweed doing his best to stay out of the fight.”
CB: Brandon, Dylan or Steve?
MD: I’ve had shitty students named Brandon and Dylan sounds like a privileged white fuckbrain. So I go with Steve. (I’ve, uh, never seen that show. Sorry.)