Stuart Schuffman, is a homie of Coco’s from back in the day, who now is the creator and face of the Broke-Ass Stuart Empire. As per his website/blog,
Broke-Ass Stuart writes for busboys, poets, social workers, students, artists, musicians, magicians, mathematicians, maniacs, yodelers and everyone else out there who wants to enjoy life not as a rich person, but as a real person. Namely, he writes for you.
He has published two books, Broke-Ass Stuart’s Guide to Living Cheaply in San Francisco, and Broke-Ass Stuart’s Guide to Living Cheaply in New York (he wrote the bulk of the latter while he & his girlfriend were living with me in my mouse-infested Bushwick apartment a couple of years ago). He has done some travel writing for Lonely Planet, and had an extensive blog about his travels in South America.
CB: Where you from & where do you stay at?
SS: Well, I grew up in San Diego and El Paso (I’m a border boy through and through), and I’m currently living in San Francisco. But since 2006 I’ve spent extended amounts of time in Ireland, Argentina, and New York. I consider SF to be home though.
CB: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?
SS: My Daddy’s name is Jay and he sells jewelry. A Jewish guy in the jewelry business, fancy that.
CB: What is your problem?
SS: Wow, this got into some deep shit real quick. Where do I begin? I guess the best way to describe it is: ample amounts of ambition and talent, very limited amount of discretionary funds.
CB: What sound or noise do you love?
SS: The sounds of the city outside my window. Any city really. I think I just need those sounds to stay sane.
CB: Oysters or Peanuts at happy hour?
SS: What are you, fucking retarded? Oysters without a doubt! Peanuts are probably the only thing these days that are literally a dime a dozen. Oysters are delicious and expensive, so if I had to choose between the two for a happy hour freebie, the choice is simple.
CB: If I was over at your house, would it be cool if I crash there?
SS: Uh, yeah. I’ve had almost as many people crash at my place as the Hudson River.
CB: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?
SS: Fuck you! You’re the sell out…er I mean…no. Seriously though, not at all. I don’t really believe that exists unless you’re like a die hard anti-capitalist who then becomes a Republican. Or unless you’re Dennis Miller.
CB: Would you welcome the opportunity to “sell out”?
SS: If by “sell out” you mean making lots of money doing the shit that I love, well then sign me up. Like I said, for me to “sell out” I’d have to completely change my principles and world view. I’m convinced that I can continue doing my thing, my way, and eventually make money doing it. I fucking hope so.
CB: What are the first 5 songs on your “recently played” playlist?
SS: Well, it’s all the same band, so instead, I’ll give you the first 5 bands: The Whitest Boy Alive, Irma Thomas (just saw her last night. Amazing!!), Judgment Day, Three Mile Pilot, and William Bell. Shit, I’ve got great taste in music!
CB: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
SS: Can I say me? No? Damn. In that case I’d have to say Dom DeLuise just so I can see that guy get some more work. Realistically though, how about that kid from Into the Wild? He’s good at stuff.
CB: Define the word “burrito.”
SS: Burrito: The thing I miss most when I’m not in California.
CB: Name a food that you used to hate but you love now.
SS: Avocado. I don’t think I ever ate anything green until I was like 21.
CB: What is the finest quality a person can possess?
SS: Owning one of my books. Otherwise you’re dead to me.
CB: When have you felt most loved?
SS: Every single day. My life is blessed in innumerable ways.
CB: What’d you do today?
SS: Waited tables, ate some clams, read some of a book and went to a meeting about saving Bay to Breakers.
CB: What’s a guilty pleasure for you?
SS: Watching Gossip Girl with my girlfriend. I’m not sure if I wanna strangle all the characters on that show or have sex with them. Or both. Know what I mean? [Ed. Note: Yes, yes I do].
CB: What actor or actress’s fame is totally undeserved?
SS: Dane Cook! Without a doubt. What a fucking hack! The only reason that dude is successful is because he’s good looking in a field where everyone else isn’t. Imagine how famous Louis CK would be if he didn’t look like a scrotum. That dude is a genius! Really, how many good looking comics can you think of? Fuck Dane Cook, seriously. His whole job is to be funny, and he’s terrible at it. Did you know he’s got the best selling comedy record of all time? If Richard Pryor were still alive, he’d light himself on fire again at the thought of it.
CB: You have to move to another city that you’ve never even visited and live there for at least one year. Where do you go?
SS: So many places! Portland, Madrid, Melbourne, Bogota, Tokyo. Basically anywhere but Baghdad, or Kabul for that matter. Those seem like pretty shitty places to be right now.
CB: Invent a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor that incorporates the name of a band. Go.
SS: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah this is Delicious…ugh…that was awful wasn’t it? I give up. Next question.
CB: If your country of origin suddenly adopted an Israeli/Italian policy towards defense, and you had to join the armed forces in some capacity, what would you choose to do?”
SS: A message delivery guy so I could always be out and about, and not have to deal with most of the other military bullshit details. Actually, I just read Tales of the South Pacific by James Michener, which was awesome! Seriously a great book. Anyway, the narrator of the book has pretty cool gig. He basically is like an executive administrator/message delivery guy. Not too shabby.
CB: Brandon, Dylan or Steve?
SS: I prefer the guy who ran the Peach Pit. What was his name? Max or Sam or Nat or something? [Editor’s note: Nat, of course!] What kind of weirdo middle age[d] guy hangs out exclusively with high school kids? The best kind, that’s who!