Interview with Elvie Shurwitz, Rabies Victim and Daughter of a Gaydatin’ Dad.

Posted By: Stella Glass

SG:Where you from & where do you stay at?447px-carl_reiner

ES: I refuse to answer questions with improper grammar.

SG: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?

SG: What is your problem?

ES: You.

SG: What sound or noise do you love?

ES: You getting out of my face.  And the sound of dolphins masturbating to Xanadu.

SG: Oysters or Peanuts at happy hour?

ES:  Oysterpeanuts.  A snack idea I plan on stealing from you, patenting, making millions, nay, BILLIONS off of, and then buying your soul for a mere $500,000 and a chance to lick my much gossiped-about philtrum (  It’ll taste pretty salty by then.  Especially because I will have won a lawsuit over copyright infringment for use of Salt (an invention stolen from me years ago) and you will miss the sensation of not having to season your food with Molly McButter.  And Carl Reiner stole ALL of this from me when he directed The Jerk.  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH I HAVE RABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SG: If I was over at your house, would it be cool if I crash there?

ES: Rot in hell, Carl Reiner.

SG: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?

ES: Yes.

SG: Would you welcome the opportunity to “sell out”?

ES: No.

SG: What are the first 5 songs on your “recently played” playlist?

ES: Los Campesinos “Broken Heartbeats Sound Like Breakbeats”
Joanna Newsom “Only Skin”
Kristin Hersh “Listerine”
Hot Lava “Resolutions ’08”
MIA “Paper Planes”

SG: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?

ES: I’m torn between Ruth Gordon and Chris Lilley.

SG: Define the word “burrito.”


SG: Name a food that you used to hate but you love now?

ES: Eggplant.

SG: What is the finest quality a person can possess?

ES: Compassion.  And a huge rack doesn’t hurt either.

SG: When are you happiest?

ES: When I have something to bitch and moan about.

SG: What’d you do today?

ES: Woke up.   Bitched.  Moaned.  Sent out an email blast.  Ate mediocre chinese food.  Saw “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains.” Drank part of a honey vodka and cranberry cocktail (delicious!).  Came home and confronted the diarrhea I had been forced to control the entire evening (see above: mediocre chinese food).  Flirted with a New England cutie on the telephone.  Answered these questions.

SG: What’s a guilty pleasure for you?

ES: Facebook.

SG: What actor or actress’s fame is totally undeserved?

ES: All of them.

SG: You have to move to another city that you’ve never even visited and live there for at least one year.  Where do you go?

ES: Chicago.

SG: Invent a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor that incorporates the name of a band.  Go.

ES: Almond Joy Division?

SG: If  your country of origin suddenly adopted an Israeli/Italian policy towards defense, and you had to join the armed forces in some capacity, what would you choose to do?

ES: Kill myself. Although the food under this regime would be delicious.  Hmmm…

SG: Brandon, Dylan or Steve?

Dylan!  Sigh.


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