Posted By: Coco Buchanan
Strangely enough, the person who recommended I see a midnight showing at the Sunshine of the 3-D (supposedly) 70’s porno starring (allegedly) John Holmes was Hunter aka Mr. Serious. I thought it would be good campy fun for a laugh, after having drinks with friends, but it turned out to be more of an insanely creepy experience; and as though I needed any more, another reason to be disgusted with humanity.
So, before I get into the particulars of the specific grossness of the film itself and the “delightful” audience, I would like to clarify a couple of things I mentioned earlier. First, this movie is not exactly 3-D since (a) apparently, in 1977, they still used those really ancient blue and red glasses, and (b) they kept at least one light on the whole time in the theater, presumably so that no one would get “too” excited. Though, honestly, I don’t think that was too much of a danger. Essentially, these factors made the 3-D effect non-existent. Second, that although in the opening credits, John “The Wad” Holmes was highlighted, according to imdb, he merely played the part of “Orgy Guy”…not one of the main characters. Not that I’m complaining, though…he uuuuugly. But, it’s kind of false advertising.
Ok now for the gross stuff..
I must again reiterate that I approached this film with good intentions and an open mind. I really thought it would be just a bunch of bad acting and ridiculous/awkward/bland sex scenes with little to no plot. And for a while, that’s pretty much what it was. But I think there were four major factors that contributed to me feeling like I just wanted to go home and chop my genitals off:
1) Even for a porn, there was an absurdly superfluous amount of blowjob scenes. I know everyone was more hairy back then, but that didn’t even bother me so much as just having to look at the unpleasant-to-begin-with act that is a woman giving a penis oral sex. I mean, I’m not saying that it’s categorically disgusting (in fact, more power to you), but for me, it’s something I’d rather not watch in great detail repeatedly, in any context.
2) There was a scene towards the end that involved one of the main characters (Harry Balls, played by William Margold) drowning a dom as he’s fucking her. I think that might have been where it took its most repulsive turn, for me. There was also this running gag with her dead body that made light of the fact that this woman had been killed. I mean, I know it’s a porn, so it’s supposed to be raunchy, crass, etc., but I honestly cannot not think of anything less erotic. Oh wait, there were indeed two more things…
3) In another scene, the main woman character was being violated by again, Harry Balls (what a guy!). He forced her legs apart so as to perform oral sex on her. She kept telling him to stop, saying “no” explicitly, etc., until after a little while, she apparently began to enjoy it and submitted to it. Because that’s such a likelihood! Because women have to be forced to enjoy themselves against their will! And people wonder why “no means no” became such a hackneyed phrase.
4) There were a group of really drunk, immature loud dudes yelling more than necessary at every sex/blowjob, etc. scene. Examples: “Yeah, that’s the way you fuck her!”, “Take it all, bitch!”, etc. After a while, it just became really uncomfortable and annoying, especially with the scenes that made me especially uneasy and/or angry. It almost gave everything an aggressively frightening air.
By the time it was over with, I felt as though I didn’t care if I ever had sexual relations ever again for the rest of my life. I was repulsed by humanity, human genitalia, and basically, wanted to just forget that sex ever existed. I guess I should’ve just left the theater instead of declaring I was “over it” & throwing my 3-D glasses to the side. But I wasn’t sure how my friends felt about it, and none of them seemed to make any moves to get up. Plus, I felt kind of guilty, because the whole thing had been my idea.
Overall, I guess I’m just surprised (though maybe I’m used to more softcore or a more subtle type of porn for whatever reason) at how uncomfortable/offended it left me, and how gross people can be. So, I supposed I’d recommend it if that’s what you’re going for, but otherwise, I’d pass on this one.
Oh, and I saw one of the drunk assholes after the movie, outside the theater about to get on a bike. I hope his drunk ass got run over by a car.