Posted by: Coco Buchanan
The only way to properly get the feel of this interview is me transcribing this as phonetically as possible. Ms. Vitanza will be a weekly (or bi-weekly, we haven’t decided yet) staple in our soon-to-come podcast feature. For now, this is a little sumthin’ sumthin’ to get you acquainted.
CB: Where you from & where do you stay at?
BV:Wheeaaah do youse think I’m from? Fraaaaance? Louung Island, sweethawwt, Louuuuuuuuuuuuuuung Island. I stay wheahhevah the hell I wanna stay. What’s with the third degree? Pass me the lighah, wouldja, hon?
CB: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?
BV: My fawwtha is louung gone. And thank gawd fa’ that, that fuckin’ bastahhd. He owned a string of casino-strip clubs on the eastern seaboahhd called “Crazy Vito’s: The Loosest Slots East of Hoboken”. It was mauuuderately successful.
[takes a drag of a Capri] Oh yeeeahh, that’s smooooooooooth.
CB: What is your problem?
BV: Don’t get smaaauuuurt with me! What ahh you? Some souurta pah’ticulah wise guy?
CB: What sound or noise do you love?
BV: I love the sound of my skin fryin’ up in the hot Miami sun. I can nevahh go one single day without makin‘ it to the tannin’ salaaauuun or flyin’ down ta Miami or South Beach. My boyfriend, I know what’cha thihnkin’– I have many, many, many man friends and admirahhs! Anyhow, my main boyfriend Vinny, who owns a chain of moderately successful strip clubs in Staten Island, Long Island, and Miami, flies us down ta Flahhhrida whenevahh possible.
CB: Oysters or Peanuts at happy hour?
BV: What ahh you NUTS? Oystas! Oystas Rockefellahh ah my faaaaaavorite. Aaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Pair that with a pack of Capri Lights, a jug of Carlo Rossi, and you got ya’self a great appetizah.
CB: If I was over at your house, would it be cool if I crash there?
BV: Well, I would hate to inconvenience my many little dauuuling puppies that each have a room– I have about twenny tree– so, if you could bunk up with them, then we’ll tawk. Why? You lookin’ for a place ta stay? Vinny will take ceaaah’ a’ you. He knows people…
CB: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?
BV: Sold out as opposed ta whaaa? Are you callin’ me a hookah??
CB: Would you welcome the opportunity to “sell out”?
BV: Look, I am not turnin’ tricks fa you, and not fa’ nobaaady! ……. Wait, how much we tawwkin heahh?
CB: What are the first 5 songs on your “recently played” playlist?
BV: Wha? Who? Five saawwngs on the whoozywhatsit? Speak English! This is Americahhh fa’ chrisssakes.
CB: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
BV: Well, now, theeeeaaaahhh’s a question! Back in the days when they made movies like they usta, that Jane Russell. I always thought she was much moahh appealing than that Marilyn Mon-roe. I awwlways thaaawwt Marilyn acted like she was a blind, halfway retahhded kid if ya ask me. Anyway, Jane Russell has an ample booosum, just like me…well, aftah the implants Vinny gave me fa’ Christmas one yeahh. Ol Janie would prahhhbably need ta get a taaan, though. Othawise, maybe Jackie Stallone. She looks sooo beauuuu-ti-ful fa’hahrr age.
Light me up anutha one hon, whydoncha.
CB: Define the word “burrito.”
BV: Ain’t that some kinda Spanish shit? I don’t know wat that’s awwwl about. I don’t ceeeahhh fa’ dem. Not da food, and not those people.
CB: Name a food that you used to hate but you love now.
BV: Do Winston cigarettes count as a food? I usta hate them, but, you know, I’ll take what I can get if Capris ah nowheaah to be found. Though Newpoaats ahh betta than Winston’s. And Vi’ginia Slims ahh bettah than Newpoaaats. And somewheahh in the middle ah Kool’s. Ohh yeeahhh, taste that toasty, toasty tauuur goodness.
CB: What is the finest quality a person can possess?
BV: A million dollahs! Hahahaha… [proceeds to go into laughing fit, and then coughing fit for about 15 minutes]. Oh deahhh, ohhh myyy….what was the question again?
CB: When have you felt most loved?
BV:When I was tripping on acid one day a few yeaahs back and awwll I could see wa’ awwwll these beeyouuuu-tiful CUUUULLLAAAAHHHHS!!!! And that’s how I ended up having my foist emotionally chauuged sexual encounter with a woman. And that woman was Goldie Hawwwn. But that’s a lawwwwng story…
CB: What’d you do today?
BV: Well, I had breakfast…today I had the good scotch and about foouuahh packs o’ Capris. Around noon, I went to the tanning salon, then had my nails touched up. I got a new design! Look hyyeaaah, I just added a miniatuuahh portrait of my new dawwg’s face on my index fingaah! LOOOK AT IT ISN’T HE GAAWWGEOUS? MAMA LOVES YOU POOOKIIIIE!!!! MAMA LOOOOVEES YOOOOUU. Oh, and a very handsom man tried to pick me up in a bright red Lambuuhhgini. I unfoauutunately had to decline, as I was late to pick up a new beadded sweaatahh with a nice tigahh print that my cousin Marie had made especially fa’ me. Ohhh, just thinkin’ about that red cauuuhh and the tiggahhh print makes me hoahny! Tigahs make me sooooooooo hooooaaaaaaaahhyyyy!!
CB: What’s a guilty pleasure for you?
BV: Do you even hafta aaaask?? TIIIIIIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHS! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
CB: What actor or actress’s fame is totally undeserved?
BV: That fruity faggy pants whatsis name? Ryan Stonecrap? Seacrest? Yeah him. What a fuckin’ fruitcake.
CB: You have to move to another city that you’ve never even visited and live there for at least one year. Where do you go?
BV: I hoid that Positano is very nice. Awwwl I would do is eat some pasta fazzoul and breshhouwwl and fry myself real nice on the beach.
CB: Invent a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor that incorporates the name of a band. Go.
BV: Whaaa? Ben and who?? Is that that hippie shit ice cream? I only eat spumoni and gelato. End of stooahhry!
CB: If your country of origin suddenly adopted an Israeli/Italian policy towards defense, and you had to join the armed forces in some capacity, what would you choose to do?
BV: Why you always gotta pick on the Italians fooahh? What’s a mattta wit’chuuuu?
CB: Brandon, Dylan or Steve?
BV: Steve. I remembah Steve. He lived on Gordon Street. But that was a lawwwng, lawwwng time ago…..[drifts off for about 5 minutes]. Honey, just get me a pack a Capris and let’s cawwl it a day. Go away kid, ya bothaaaa me.