Posted By: Coco Buchanan
Oliver Hartman is a friend of the blog, and a freelance writer currently residing in the City of New York. He is a Resident Bargain Whorespondent for Broke Ass Stuart’s Goddamn Website/blog. The most unexpected/hilairous thing he’s ever said to either Stella or I: “I slept in a car last night on St. Mark’s !”
CB: Where you from & where do you stay at?
OH: I grew up in a very small town called Whitefield, Maine and currently stay in Central Harlem.
CB: Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?
OH: An old retired man who does Hospice volunteering. He turned 70 a few weeks ago.
CB: What is your problem?
OH: I was hoping you were going to tell me! That is what you promised!
CB: What sound or noise do you love?
OH: Cheesy but true, cats purring. I used to love “You’ve Got Mail” . Now, and I cannot believe it still fucking exists, but I heard it on the Bolt Bus to Boston, it just sounds dumb.
CB: Oysters or Peanuts at happy hour?
OH: Who’s paying?
CB: If I was over at your house, would it be cool if I crash there?
OH: Yup! Matches are in the little bamboo box on the back of the bowl.
CB: Do you think you’ve “sold out”?
OH: Not yet, still looking for a goddamn buyer.
CB: Would you welcome the opportunity to “sell out”?
OH: When people get angry at sell outs it says more about them than the person selling out. If it makes the person happy, you should be happy for them. That said, I would not welcome the opportunity to compromise my fake integrity. But I would welcome money, so if you know any sponsors…
CB: What are the first 5 songs on your “recently played” playlist?
OH: I have one long podcast I downloaded and have been listening to on repeat titled “Electo House, Filthy House, Dirty Electro, ohhh…and Funky house”
CB: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
OH: There was some lanky ass clown in Art School Confidential who could probably do a pretty good job putzing it up as me.
CB: Define the word “burrito.”
OH: A little burro.
CB: Name a food that you used to hate but you love now.
OH: Mushrooms. I don’t know what I was thinking! Stupid, immature tastebuds.
CB: What is the finest quality a person can possess?
OH: Nothing good can really come without compassion – its pretty much the basis for anything non-sociopathic. And a sweet ass.
CB: When have you felt most loved?
OH: Those nights when I would have nightmares as a child and my parents would come in and read to me. Or even better, when I would go sleep in their bed. To be 17 again…Seriously, I don’t want to cheapen that response , forget the 17 joke.
CB: What’d you do today?
OH: I woke up, crawled out of my sleeping bag and awkwardly rolled off my air mattress onto the floor – it never supports my attempt to gracefully push myself up. I wrote a post for a cheap living blog, then made a burrito. Ran to the Y, worked out, ran home. Wrote some more. Scheduled a meeting for tomorrow, and then got asked to do this interview.
CB: What’s a guilty pleasure for you?
OH: Britney Spears’ Toxic, TaTu “All the Things She Said”, and porn. Still feel a little guilty about that.
CB: What actor or actress’s fame is totally undeserved?
OH: Keanu Reeves, but he is also a testament to the power of dedication, networking, and an absence of an awareness of Sartre’s “Other”. Inspiring, in a sick, depressing way.
CB: You have to move to another city that you’ve never even visited and live there for at least one year. Where do you go?
OH: Hong Kong.
CB: Invent a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor that incorporates the name of a band. Go.
OH: Mouthful O Monster Bawls n’Nuts – Sorry I used 2. Malted milk balls and honey roasted cashews in vanilla ice cream with strawberry swirls, and an energy drink core.
CB: If your country of origin suddenly adopted an Israeli/Italian policy towards defense, and you had to join the armed forces in some capacity, what would you choose to do?
OH: I would join both sides using a clever alias in each instance and then defect to Russia and start an bar in an old submarine called “Subversion”
CB: Brandon, Dylan or Steve?
OH: I don’t know what you are talking about (see first response) but Dylan is the preferred of the 3 names.